I had a rather unusual habit. Some would have called it crazy, some would have considered it bad. In any case, it made me happy. Not today though.
I had the habit of choosing monetarily or opportunistically rewarding options, the options that under usual circumstances would be too good to be true, and try to force my way to see them through to completion. In simple terms I would call myself greedy in a kleptomaniac-sort of way. Just as the latter steals as a habit and not necessarily for the thing itself, I gained happiness, more from the fact that I could squeeze out the maximum I could have from any given situation. Of course the 'maximum' also contributed to my happiness, but I hope you got my point.
This obviously came at a cost. There was often uncertainty, displeasing someone else (because obviously if you are getting something you wouldn't in a normal case, someone else is bearing the brunt of it), relying on requests and favors and very often putting a herculean effort into getting through it. Once I saw that there was even a slight possibility of making it, I wouldn't care about the surrounding events or people.
Today, I had tried to make most of two such 'opportunities'. One of them was to make it to my flight in time which I was barely able to, after a nervous hour and a half and non stop running to the gate. But right then when I thought I was all good, the second one showed up in the form of angry flight personnel and I ended up having to drop the flight. Now, had I been ethically right in my decisions, I would have defining got on the plane. But I was in the wrong. Why? I had taken advantage of something I shouldn't have and the airline staff obviously didn't like it.
The good feeling I had for finally making it to the boarding in the nick of time was completely trashed away by this feeling of utter loss and helplessness. And the worst part was that I knew it was all because of my own choices.
I had to get a new ticket and I'm writing this on the same plane. Amid a flood of thoughts and a lot of contemplation. Something needs to change. It won't be easy. I won't be the same again. But this has to end. Why? Because I can't rely at all on living in this manner. I intend this note to serve more as a reminder to me, should I start to waver again, than a blog post.
I had the habit of choosing monetarily or opportunistically rewarding options, the options that under usual circumstances would be too good to be true, and try to force my way to see them through to completion. In simple terms I would call myself greedy in a kleptomaniac-sort of way. Just as the latter steals as a habit and not necessarily for the thing itself, I gained happiness, more from the fact that I could squeeze out the maximum I could have from any given situation. Of course the 'maximum' also contributed to my happiness, but I hope you got my point.
This obviously came at a cost. There was often uncertainty, displeasing someone else (because obviously if you are getting something you wouldn't in a normal case, someone else is bearing the brunt of it), relying on requests and favors and very often putting a herculean effort into getting through it. Once I saw that there was even a slight possibility of making it, I wouldn't care about the surrounding events or people.
Today, I had tried to make most of two such 'opportunities'. One of them was to make it to my flight in time which I was barely able to, after a nervous hour and a half and non stop running to the gate. But right then when I thought I was all good, the second one showed up in the form of angry flight personnel and I ended up having to drop the flight. Now, had I been ethically right in my decisions, I would have defining got on the plane. But I was in the wrong. Why? I had taken advantage of something I shouldn't have and the airline staff obviously didn't like it.
The good feeling I had for finally making it to the boarding in the nick of time was completely trashed away by this feeling of utter loss and helplessness. And the worst part was that I knew it was all because of my own choices.
I had to get a new ticket and I'm writing this on the same plane. Amid a flood of thoughts and a lot of contemplation. Something needs to change. It won't be easy. I won't be the same again. But this has to end. Why? Because I can't rely at all on living in this manner. I intend this note to serve more as a reminder to me, should I start to waver again, than a blog post.
